so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
