he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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