i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
