So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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