Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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