Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize