I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
