you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
