Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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