My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I deserve this hangover.
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