I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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