So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
