She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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