Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
