saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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