I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
We were destined to go to rehab together
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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