Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
