The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
