Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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