her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
