walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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