i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
