I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
