He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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