Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
