i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
We had to coat check the pizza.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
