I hate all girls vehemently.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
