i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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