Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
