you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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