It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
