my vag is so smooth its legendary
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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