just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
