Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
