I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
i now understand why vodka
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
