I just pynch a tree in the face
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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