You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
