the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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