Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
