I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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