Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
