I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
