I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
