you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I am spending my child support on dildos
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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