and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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