Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
