I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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