I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We are two peas in an std pod
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
