sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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