God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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