Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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