Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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