I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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