I am midnight drunk by noon
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
