idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
