Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
