if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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