My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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