at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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