Just fell off a train. Bad.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
