In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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