i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
