in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
