Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I did not marry a roomba.
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